Our half term holiday was a bit of a mix on good and bad. Looking back at the past week & a half, I feel like I didn’t really get anything done at all. I am behind with work, behind with the blog, behind with the housework, and I didn’t even manage to get Georgie’s school uniform & PE kit washed until the very last minute (not that her two pairs of PE shorts made it home in the first place!)
We have had some nice times this break, but I also feel like quite a bit of a failure as a Mum, as a lot of the week wasn’t that fun for the girls. At the weekends we managed outings with James there to take off the pressure – Disney on Ice which was great, and a lunch out with family with duck feeding for added adventure.
Wednesday, a play date, which was a really nice afternoon, and then Thursday in the city centre with a visit to the Sea Life centre and then some chill out time in the library after lunch. So – it’s not like they were stuck inside all week.
But I still feel bad.
Friday was a complete disaster, and Saturday not a great deal better. On Friday I camped out with them in my bedroom with curtains shut, lights off, and a tin full of snacks to keep them going. They played on the bed, and next door in their room, on the iPad a little, and there was some cuddling up and watching cartoons on the Now TV box. I was a complete mess, I nearly fell down the stairs when I had a really bad dizzy spell at the top, and making the girls’ lunch completely wiped me out. I was downstairs and dressed (sort of) by Saturday afternoon, but it wasn’t long before I was back in bed with painkillers.
My brain has been my worst enemy this holiday. My chronic migraine and daily headaches have been worsening over the course of the year, but last week was just awful. I only got a few hours sleep each night then had to deal with two noisy & bored kids all day, which didn’t leave much time for anything like laundry, cooking, blogging, or work. I just about managed to take part in the twitter bits I was involved in – and the second of those was in bed on my phone, with Lydia curled up beside me watching tv on the iPad.
I know I have missed deadlines, I’m behind on e-mails, and I feel awful about that. I was mostly absent on facebook, twitter & instagram throughout the week too. I have a to-do list for my blog that I need to work through, and I will, but right now I feel like I’ve failed as a Mum, more than anything else.
These two beautiful, friendly, gorgeous girls are stuck with me. I feel broken. I spent over half of their half term holiday – which is supposed to be a fun carefree break from school – in a hell of a lot of pain & unable to do my job as a parent properly. My medication didn’t work, I haven’t really eaten any proper meals except the evening ones cooked by James, and I’m operating on next-to-no sleep. I can just about manage my pain levels and get stuff done by withdrawing into myself when in public, and finding distractions at home, but it leaves me exhausted.
I just didn’t do a very good job last week, and I feel like a crap Mummy right now. They deserve so much more than this. I just want to cuddle them in my arms (gently!) and tell them than I am so sorry. Sorry that I am not better, in every sense of the word.
Time to schedule in another trip to the docs, and pull myself together! Georgie is back at school tomorrow so it’s a quiet day in with my littlest so I can get caught up a bit, and then Wednesday I have some actual child free time with a trip to London planned, fingers crossed that will help with my stress levels.
Wish I could pop through the computer and give you a big hug. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, kids are very resilient and I’m sure they were fine and in fact they did lots of fun things. I understand exactly how you feel, as a mom who is now pretty much 99% housebound I often feel guilty that I cannot do all the things with my daughter that I should be doing. I am lucky I have great carers now and that she does not have to do as much caring as she once did but it’s the little things I can’t do with her that hurt the most. My daughter is now older than your gorgeous children but she has always told me that all she wants is a mom who is there for her and one who puts her own health first. I am sure your children are the same and just feel very lucky to have you.
Oh hun I feel for you.
The way my depression floors me, I feel like a constant failure as a mum. There are some days I can’t bare the thought of leaving the house, so we don’t.
I think we have to remember that our kids love us no matter what. And I know for my 2, that even though they like going to the park or softplay, chilling at home with a film and gentle hugs means just as much to them.
We have to take care of ourselves so we can care for them.
You are not a failure. Please don’t think that you are x
Big hugs for my Zwe. I worry that i will be like this when Blueberry arrives, my headaches are horrific at the moment and so frequent. Ask your GP to refer you to a neurologist, that’s what taxes are paid for, and your current meds obviously aren’t working so you need to see a specialist to advise what is best for you. You did really well to manage doing all of those activities with the girls last week. And anyone who sees your girls know you ate not a failure as a mother in the slightest, you do a fantastic job! Xxx
Firstly I’m sending you a massive big hug, well a gentle big one!
Then as a Mum that has brought her children up, living through pain, I can tell you they didn’t have a bad break. My children are now in their late 20/early 30’s, I have talked with them about me having so many bad days & firstly they loved days when we just stayed in bed watching videos/DVD’s, they thought it was actually great fun & now do it with their own children.
My husband was & is my biggest support & supporter, just like your James.
Don’t be to hard on yourself, darling. They accept you for what you are.
Go back to your doctor/specialist & demand they do something to make your life a better quality for you. xx
Hun, you are an amazing mum! Your beautiful clever daughters are testiment to you both as parents and a reflection on your ability as a mum! It must be really hard suffering whilst trying to look after the girls but I agree with Sophs, get yourself referred again and if the doctor continues to be rubbish, change to another GP for sure!
Big hugs xxx